Liminality - What is "no longer" and "not yet"

Back in 2019, I attended the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology conference in New Mexico.  It was an incredible five days of learning, connecting and experiencing such a vibrant energy of grace and love.  I also attended Joan Borysenko day long-preconference workshop on Neuroscience and Spirituality.   

In one part of her presentation she talked about the critical time in our life of Liminality.  She sees this as that state where we are in between what is "no longer" and what is "not yet."  

I have experienced my many losses in the past four years.  Centainly way beyond what I could have imagined. 

This space in time, between what is "no longer" and what is "yet to be," can be a great time of heart ache and a deep opportunity for introspection and growth.  This is my current reality as I deal with grief and loss.  I have discovered through several significant losses that grief can be over "what was lost" in the past and what you imagined "was to be" in the future. 

You would think that the death of my wife and father within a six week period  would have drilled into my mind the uncertainty and unpredictability of life (preparing me for yet another loss).  Yet, I am a romantic, idealist and incureably hopeful.   What is that old joke, "If you want to make God laugh, tell her your plans."  

In Buddhism, there is this idea that attachment to our expectations is the source of suffering.  In Intention Tapping or Intention Energy Process developed by Steve Wells, we say that it is our emotional attachments that lead us away from accepting what is.  

These emotinal attachments/entanglements with the past and future can result in the blockage and flow of energy.  It isn't about strong arming our way through our feelings and letting them go.  It is about tuning in so we can let in the feelings that go along with acceptance and return back to a state of energetic flow and balance.

Facing a most recent loss, I must embrace what is no longer and find a way to grieve, be kind  to myself and resilient as I take one step forward at a time, uncertain of what is yet to be (discovering that is very hard for me).  

I am finding there is divine grace and stillness when I go inward and sit with the pain, sadness and even anger.  On a good day after journeying inward and sitting with what is "no longer" and all the feelings associated - there exists a stillness of mind and heart - a deep centeredness in my essence and divine grace.  On other days, there is very busy mind trying to wrap itself around "what is" and an often shouting outbursts of f-bombs as the only form of prayer that I can express.   

We need to journey inward to be able to journey outward in a more solid, somewhat knitted together and centered way.    

Author Jeff Brown put it this way,...

"It’s not about “letting it go.” It's about letting it in. It’s about letting it deep. It’s about letting it through. It's about being true to your feelings. It’s about giving your experiences the attention they deserve." 

In my work as a Intention Tapping therapist we call the result of this process returning energy back to flow and balance (for more information on Intention Tapping go to https://intentiontapping.com/).

It's about letting it in so we can release our attachments to our negative beliefs and stories we tell ourselves that block the flow of energy and keep us stuck.  

This is a place Joan Boreysenko calls Liminality (what is no longer and what is not yet), it is a place we often want to escape and pass through as quickly as possible.  

Imagine your are surrounded by a thick hedge row/bush containing long and sharp thorns.  There is no way over the top of this brush or around it.  You can only choose to go through it.  You may run fast as you can screaming to induce your adrenaline to numbly pass through.  You will feel less pain, but you will be a bloody mess on the other side.  Or you can mindfully pick your way through the brush feeling the pain of each prick and cut by the thorns as you pass through.  It will hurt, but you will come out on  the other side a wounded but more whole person.

In my own grief, I had been faithful to this process up to about seventy five percent walking carefully through the thorny bush.  Then, I wanted to just run, charging in my old High School football self, through the remaining grief.

My new breath prayer for dealing with this concept of Liminality is "wait and see."  As I am learning to embrace uncertainty and move forward in my life,  I am getting more comfortable with this "what is no longer" and "what is yet to be." 

May we find ways to release our emotional entanglements, restore our energy and self back to flow, and restore our connection to our divine essence.

(This was written back in January of 2025)

Beliefs: Conscious and Tacit

 

As I continue to read further into the book,  "Cured: The LIfe-Changing Science of Spontaneous Healing" by Dr. Jeffrey Riediger, I am amazed at the findins and wisdom. I was fortunate enough to be sitting at a table back in 2019 at the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology with Dr. Rediger and Lissa Rankin MD. I discovered not only was he a psychiatrist but also had a Master of Divinity degree like me.

His book is a gem. In his chapter on "The Power of Placebo" he writes about the difference between Tacit knowledge/beliefs and Conscious knowledge/beliefs.

He postulates that there is more than just conscious beliefs at play with healing. He defines tacit beliefs as what we would call subconscious beliefs in Intention Tapping.

In many of the self-improvement and in performance psychology books, you will find an emphasis that focuses on conscious knowledge and beliefs. Conscious knowledge is explaining how to change a tire or reboot your computer. It is about consciously focusing your mind in a particular direction or way. This is important and good to teach.

Whenever I can consciously observe I have an emotional attachment to something it reminds me to apply IT, to breathe deeply or listen to brainwave entrainment music.

But ultimately, in Intention Tapping when we follow the breadcrumbs, we get to beliefs and knowledge at a tacit or subconscious level. Tacit knowledge is what we believe about ourselves, others, the world, and the Universe at a deeper level in the body, or subconscious nervous system.

Let's take a closer look at my love of playing tennis and winning. I have won first place in my league often enough to get attached to it (belief: I should win). Of course taking first place over opponents 20 years younger also creates an emotional attachment about the rejecting the aging process.

Using my conscious belief that age doesn't matter and that I am a good tennis player is why sometimes I can perform at a high level when playing in a match.

What I consciously believe is driving my perceptions. But when I mess up or get behind in the score, my subconscious or tacit beliefs begin to drive my perceptions and my mind and body get out of sync. I start telling myself what I need to do, instead of reacting and just hitting the ball.

I experience this as getting up in my head and getting out of flow. I'm sure it can be seen in the look on my face and body language.

Using my conscious knowledge and beliefs does help to manage my nervous system.

But I also discovered that working at deeper level by using a one word statement of "flow," addresses my monkey mind and helps me to return to flow in real time while playing match.

One could argue that my cue word is just using my conscious mind. But it feels deeper and more implicit. Something shifts without effort.

Intention Tapping is a wonderful way to access the subconscious mind or tacit knowledge. I am always amazed at its elegance, simplicity and depth.

I like the fact that it can be used on the fly while playing tennis, during my meditation practice or with another practitioner.

Dr. Rediger at the end of his book writes about the shifts people made in their lives. He states that what is common to the studies of spontaneous remissions was people healing their diets, immune systems, stress response and their identities (the way they see themselves in the world).

Healing in my mind doesn’t mean cure but rather wholeness. I witnessed my late wife experience healing of her mind/soul during her last week of life, while her body was not cured from cancer.

Exceptional cases of healing is not about blaming others who don't get better. The study is about empowering people to participate in the healing process.

Intention Tapping is a wonderful way to assist in that process.

Dr. Rediger suggests these areas for exploration.

-What are my triggers?

-What is the vision I have for my life?

-Who can I trust to counsel me in this situation?

-What "reward" can I give myself for following through?

-What will help me understand my value and worth and see the importance and goodness that I bring into the world?

-Why did I decide to make this change in my life?

I am currently reading a book by Jeffrey Rediger MD. "Cured: The Life-Changing Science of Spontaneous Healing.” I had met Dr. Rediger back in 2019 when we were sitting at the same banquet table at the Association for Comprehensive Energy Psychology conference. He is a psychiatrist who also had an interest in healing and spirituality.

 I was eager to read his book and jumped around and scanned different chapters.

Dr. Rediger first went to seminary and then onto medical school. In seminary he was looking for answers and this is what one of his professor’s stated, "The goal is not necessarily to arrive at an absolute answer. The goal is to improve the quality of your questions. The quality of your questions determines the quality of your answers."

 Dr. Rediger goes on to state, "The questions we ask are the guiding light that moves us forward. If we're asking good questions, we very well might be moving in a good direction.”

 Here are three questions I find helpful when trying to dig deeper into what values are guiding your life.

 1. What is most important to you?

2. What do you most want to feel or experience?

3. What do you most want to avoid feeling or experiencing?

 Many of my counseling clients come in guided by what they want to avoid. Quite often they value security above all else. There is nothing wrong with that being your top value. But for many of my clients, they realized their life was driven by fear and what they didn't want to feel.

 Part of the goal of counseling is to “walk along side” my clients as they shift from avoiding what they don't want to experience and move to seeking what is truly most important to them.  The beginning point of this journey is asking the right questions.  What is the guiding lights and questions that are organizing your perceptions?

 Long ago I was exposed to this old adage during one of my trainings. 

 Our Perceptions yields our Behavior which yields our Destiny.

 We could reframe that and add to the beginning…

 “Our Questions yield our Perceptions which yields our Behavior which yields our Destiny.”

Solid Flexible Self and Intimacy

 

I just finished reading "Intimacy and Desire" by David Snarch. I met Dr. Snarch decades ago at a workshop when I was in my 30's. He is a relationship and sex therapist with an emphasis on self-differentiation (more on that later). I had read his book “Passionate Marriage” back then and was amazed at his insights and wisdom.

Self-Differentiation was a big concept applied to leadership back in the day when I was a pastor of a local church. It was very helpful in learning how to be self-defined and stay open and connected.

Some people are very self-defined and autonomous but very rigid and closed to being influenced by others. On the other hand, there are folk who are not self-defined and are driven by the anxiety to people please and avoid conflict.  

His goes on to define the Solid Flexible Self by stating, "The more solid your sense of self, the more important you can let your partner be to you, and the more you can let yourself be truly known. You can change you mind when warranted. You can be flexible without losing your identity."

His book Intimacy & Desire is less about technique and method than it is about exploring how natural it is for folk in committed relationships to get stuck. Getting stuck is a call to grow, expand and find yourself.

David wrote this book in 2009. I was sad to see he had died suddenly. He was a great asset to the therapy and relationship community.  His concept of The Four Points of Balance is very helpful. Here is the link if you would like to read about these four points in more detail than I am offering here or without reading the entire book. 

Here they are, but I recommend clicking on the link to go into what seems simple but is full of profound wisdom and insight. Click Here

The Four Points of Balance™... 

1. Solid Flexible Self™ - "the ability to be clear about who your are and what you're about, especially when your partner pressures you to adapt and conform."

2. Quiet Mind - Calm Heart™ - "being able to calm yourself down, soothe your own hurts, and regulate your own anxieties."

3. Grounded Response™ - "the ability to stay calm and not overreact, rather than creating distance or running away when your partner gets anxious or upset."

4. Meaningful Endurance™ - "being able to step up and face the issues that bedevil you and your relationships, and the ability to tolerate discomfort for the sake of growth.

Dr. Snarch goes on to give examples of how difficulties in the Four Points of Balance™ create an emotional gridlock in relationships.  He describes one couple’s difficulty in the Four Points of Balance.

1.  Difficulty staying clear about their value and worth in the face of criticism from their partner.

2.  Difficulty calming their anxieties and soothing their emotional bruises.

3.  Difficulty staying grounded and not overreacting when their partner was anxious or on edge.  Attempts to calm themselves down consisted of avoiding conversation or clinging and arguing.

4. Difficulty confronting themselves about what they were doing or not doing.  They wouldn't tolerate frustration or put forth the sustained effort required to achieve their goals.

In my own relationship, I have found that working on my Solid Flexible Self, Quieting my Mind and having a Calm Heart, avoiding overreacting and having a Grounded Response. and facing my issues with Meaningful Endurance has been very effective.  

I tell myself and my clients that if you are way over a 5 on a 1 - 10 scale (10 being the highest distress and 0 no stress) then other memories and wounds are most likely dog piling onto your current situation.   We are wired to be at a 10 during life and death situations.  But our brain can take the past or our fear of the future and spin them in such a way that we react to our partners as if it is life or death.

I hope you will click on the above link and dig deeper into Dr. Snarch's Four Points of Balance™.  I believe you will find them very helpful.